The Quarter AFTER 6 News!
by AlKaholiK
Summary: With a different host each time, all you have to do is sit back and get caught up on all the latest happenings in the world of wrestling! Well, this is it, after this chapter, I'll no longer be updating this series. I'd like to thank everyone who has been on board and faithful with me throughout the brief life of this series. Take care, everyone!
1. Hosted by Y2J

Disclaimer: I don't own Monterey Jack shit, dude—I'm just trying to give a news report.

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><p>"Welcome this evening, wrestling fans! Tonight is the premiere of my newest show—The Quarter After 6 News! I'm your VERY entertaining host this week, The Ayatollah of a-rock and a-ROLLLA!, Y2J—Chris 'This is MY damn show this week' Jericho! Some of you may remember my old show, the 'Y2J Breakdown'—well, I'm doing this shit now, so…here goes!"<p>

_The camera shot changes angles as Chris starts…_

"Ahem, tonight's first story is that word has leaked out that The Rock was NOT the original choice to play Scorpion King in '_The Mummy Returns, Yet Again'_. As it turns out, Universal Studios wanted HHH to play the role, but negotiations were cut short when HHH insisted on 'going over the mummy AND Rick O'Connell clean' and also insisting 'X-Pac should beat that big black dude who worships the mummy, clean...three times.'

Ha, sounds just LIKE the bastard! Anyway, moving on—AH HERE'S something! Check THIS out, people-In the news, Scott Norton's former tag partner 'Ice Train' has gotten back into the mix. Train was recently spotted selling hot dogs at an independent show in Tacoma. No word on if the hot dogs included free relish."

_Suddenly, Chris reads down the script he's reading from and flashes a frown at the camera for a brief second._ He says, "Ya' know what? Fuggit'—I'm just going to read through these things, here goes-

…The WWE creative team has been going over ideas on how to repackage Mason Ryan. The leading candidate thus far is the nickname 'The **Big** One-who sucks so bad that even a near main event push wouldn't get him over, so we'll just leave him off TV' Mason Ryan."

_He smirks and just continues…_

"In some embarrassing news, a WWE superstar was arrested for exposing their penis to several fans after a recent show. The star apprehended could not be reached for comment, but rest assured, once she's bailed out, we'll find out Beth Phoenix's side of the story."

He raises an eyebrow and says, "Okaaay…moving on-

Former ECW star Chilly Willy recently conducted an online chat session. When asked why he thinks the WWE had never signed him, Willy stated,'"I've wondered about that a lot. I think maybe my weight and work ethic may have had a bit to do with it. But I would say 99.5% of it has to do with the fact that I had the GAYEST RING NAME OF ALL TIME.'

Another note is that Eric Bischoff is back in the news again. Bischoff has finally started his own promotion and will be holding a card June 1st. Unfortunately, most of the current stars are locked under WWE or TNA contracts. Bischoff did manage to sign some former WWE stars, though. The main event of the card will actually feature these stars, as Eddie Guerrero takes on Chris Benoit in a Casket Match.

Shawn Michaels has recently been hyping up his new wrestling promotion in several recent interviews. Michaels says the company has many positives, such as hard workers, good mic workers, and a lot of naive young men who are willing to perform sexual favors in exchange for a push. Michaels also quoted that last part as his favorite positive, by far."

Chris strokes his chin and says, "Yeah, some of the boys would get uncomfortable when he'd be leering at us after we'd get out of the showers…UGH, dude!"

_He regains his composure and continues on…_

"Okay, former women's wrestling star Madusa has recently ventured into other forms of the entertainment industry. Madusa was quoted as saying, 'I've done all I can for wrestling, and wrestling has done all it can do for me. I'm moving on to more intelligent forms of entertainment, much more artistic and it lets me display my creative side as well.' You can catch Madusa in her newest film, '_Old Biker Slut Humps a Dead Llama._'

Also, Sabu is back!, and he's breaking tables _**again**_! The former ECW champ slipped on a wrapper at Burger King and crashed through a table. Sabu was quite proud as he usually has to do a spot 4 times before breaking a table correctly.

In a related story, MVP was in charge of cleaning up the table Sabu broke. When asked why he did it, Montel replied, "Hey, you don't get the position of assistant day manager by NOT cleaning up the mess. THIS IS MY BURGER KING! I BUILT IT!"

Chris shakes his head and rolls his eyes, "Yeah dude, whatever. Ok, only a couple more things-

Yoshi Tatsu recently re-signed with the WWE for 2 more years, with no guaranteed character advancement. This obviously adds fuel to the rumors that japs are stupid and can't read.

Oh, and for you 'wrestling tradition' buffs out there, the struggling NWA has a new champion in Steve Corino! Executive Director Howard Trobich thinks that this could be a big step in making the NWA a big time promotion again. Trobich stated, "Having Corino as our champion gives us a lot of credibility. It draws the old ECW fan base, and the old school fans, as Corino has a lot of the same qualities as Ric Flair." When asked about those qualities, Trobich stated, "Well they both have blonde hair, right? Come on, it's the NWA! Tradition! **Please** watch us! _**PLEASE!**_ I'VE GOT CHILDREN TO FEED!" At this point, Trobich offered handjobs for a dollar while weeping like a school girl."

Suddenly, Jericho's eyes widen and he says, "Folks, this just in! This site's own _**BubblyShell22**_ let me in on this piece of breaking news: The Big Show is still fat! But he's STILL not as fat as Mark Henry!

In addition, former World Champion John Cena recently held a press conference stating his future in wrestling, stating he would, and I quote—'…NEVER retire, dawg! Whenever I go to London, I can't see 'cause of the fog!' Um…yeah, while this proves the rumors true that Cena actually CAN read, he STILL can't rap to save his LIFE.

Ok, Tazz recently commented on his current TNA stay. He had nothing but positives to say, and when asked what he liked better about the TNA than ECW, he answered, 'Well both places are great. But I really like getting paid with money instead of sandwiches and old magazines.'

Chris sips his water for a moment and says, "Finally, for our last bit of news, Chris Masters is still training hard in order to be signed by the WWE. He's in the best shape of his life, and has been training his in-ring skills tons. Unfortunately, don't look for the WWE to pick him up anytime soon, as his name is _still_ Chris Masters.

Ok, that's it, assclowns! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going home and fucking the living DAYLIGHTS out of my wife, see ya'—and I KNOW you wish you were me! Cause I'm the goodness sakin', bringin' home the bacon, the incredibly hung BABY MAKIN', CHRIS JERICHOOOO!"

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><p><em>[Fade to black, credits roll]<em>

There'll be a different host every week on this series, so who knows who'll show up week-in, week-out—just tune in to find out!

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><p>Lol, thanks for reading, reviews are greatly appreciated!<p> 


	2. Hosted by the Bellas

Disclaimer: Same as always—I don't own shit.

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><p><em>(Talking in PERFECT unison-FOR THE ENTIRE PROGRAM...)<em> "Welcome fans, we're the Bella Twins and, once again, it's time for another newscast!, brought to you by AlKaholiK! We're, like, stoked that he gave us this opportunity to showcase our journalism skills to our fanbase, yaaaay! Ok, lemme' start."

_Camera shot changes to frontal, as the twins smile…_

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><p>"Now, on with the news!<p>

Former world champion Kevin Nash is heavily rumored to make another appearance in the WWE come May this year. But what plans do the WWE have for him? Will he create a new stable, will he be on commentary, or what? Nash himself was quoted as saying the following. 'Well, I figured I'd wear a tie-dye FUBU shirt to try and fool the homosexuals in the crowd into thinking I was cool. Then I'd avoid having to wrestle, all the while cutting inane promos about being cool and such. Oh yeah, and I'd wrestle twice a month, using my 'FAMOUS KNEELIFT thing I like doing' every match!' Look for Nash to STILL be pushed over anyone under 6'4".

When asked if he thought WWE fans would buy his character, he answered, "The WCW fans bought it, didn't they? And the TNA fans TOTALLY bit on it, right?" Then, when it was pointed out to him that his title reign signified the last time WCW OR TNA ever reached 4.0 in the ratings, he casually responded with, "...LOOK OUT, SPARROWS!" At which point Nash leapt out a window, avoiding confrontation."

_The girls just look at each other and snicker a little._

"Ok, moving on-Jim Ross has recently reported that _**Rikishi**_ would be returning after a long haitus and after dropping some weight and addressing health issues. Ross, however, will not miss any time, despite being a grotesquely fat man with a disease. In a related note, in our kitchen this morning, Brie's pot called MY kettle black.

Anyway, NWA Champion Steve Corino officially announced he will be retiring soon. Corino sighted that he'd 'lost his love for wrestling' and that 'it's simply become a job to him' and that 'I wrestle in front of 9 people for $13.50, yet I still have to blade EVERY MATCH' and 'due to lack of money, I now weigh 87 pounds'.

In other news, an independent wrestling promoter recently used his internet site to write a commentary lashing out against former WWE superstar Ahmed Johnson for not showing up to an event he was booked for. Johnson is not expected to respond to this scathing letter, as he can't read."

_The two girls simultaneously sip water and clear their throats as they continue…_

WWE Home Video recently released "This is **STILL** My Yard", which is yet _another_ video featuring the career of The Undertaker. It includes several bonus matches over the years, and in what most wrestling fans are calling even BETTER than his greatest matches, a video clip of a horse urinating blood.

All Japan Wrestling has signed Mike Rotundo to wrestle in their latest tour. Also on the tour from America are Norman Smiley, Abdullah The Butcher, Kamala, and possibly an appearance from Stan Hansen. It wasn't until after signing the contracts that company President Motoko Baba was informed that 1994 was 17 years ago.

On another note, former Women's Champion Sable has a part in the new movie, 'PORKY Romano—Corky's Fat Cousin'. When asked about her new career in Hollywood, Sable said, 'It's a lot like the WWE. The people are nice, the atmosphere is nice, and Chris Kattan's genitals taste eerily similar to Faarooq's!'"

_At this, the girls wince at each other…yep, you guessed it—SIMULTANEOUSLY!_

"Ok next bit of news-female Tough Enough winner Nidia was recently interviewed about the rigors of being a pro wrestler. She was quoted as saying in ring training was difficult, but she thanked Trish for teaching her the business. 'She taught me how to bump, how to sell, and most importantly, how to fit 3 men inside of me at once.'

In more news, XPW has constantly been criticized for copying off of ECW, especially by bringing in talent like Sabu and New Jack. XPW's new owner, BigVision Entertainment, denied these rumors and claimed that XPW was 100% original. BigVision then officially changed the company name to Extreme Championship Wrestling and debuted a new character gimmick of 'Paul Heyman'.

The owner of this show, AlKaholiK, recently came in contact with former superstar "Leaping" Lanny Poffo after an indy show in his town. Says Al, "It was actually several hours after the show. I was heading out to my car, and there he was, rooting through my trash. I offered him 5 dollars to give me a frisbee with a poem on it. He told me it was the most money he's made in one job since 1992." No word at this point on if Poffo spent the 5 dollars on booze or a cheeseburger."

_The girls hold up their left arms as if to say "hold on a sec"…Nikki starts to sneeze and Brie actually finishes Nikki's sneeze. They both blow their noses at the same time before moving on…_

"Whew, that was a doozie! Ok, let's keep going! Former World Champion Shawn Michaels may or may NOT be on Raw or Smackdown or a PPV in the near future. If he returns, he may wrestler or just talk. Or he may not be on TV at all. REMEMBER, YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

'Prime Time' Brian Lee recently made an appearance in a local mall. He released the following press statement about his future. "Tired of wearing uncomfortable slacks? Then try Haggar slacks! Because Haggar is made for today's man!" Lee was subsequently fired for, much like he did in ECW, not selling anything.

Retired independent star Scoot Andrews was being looked at by the WWE, only he didn't know it! Said Jim Ross, 'Scoot has the basic fundamentals down to make it in the WWE. He just needs to work on his conditioning, microphone skills and maybe add a bit more to his arsenal and he'll be ready to make the show...oh yeah, and he needs to make his skin color white.'"

_The girls look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and continue on…_

Ok, in our last bit of news, Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson recently started a book tour throughout Pennsylvania. However, he was mercilessly attacked out of the first stop of the tour, being harrassed physically and verbally. 'I don't understand it, I told them it was a great read and they could give up watching TV for a few hours if they got a copy!', said Rock. It wasn't until later that he realized he'd been selling his book at the Pennsylvania School for the Blind.

Finally, former WCW and TNA star 'The Ragin' Cajun' Lash LeRoux has been working FEVERISHLY on getting a contract in the WWE. He's toned up and changed his look a bit, and was recently asked about his training. "Well I know the WWE cares about talent and looks, so I've really put a lot of time into developing my physique and creating a new look. I just can't figure out how to NOT suck so bad." More on this as it develops.

Well, that's it for this week! We're the Bella Twins—signing off!"

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><p><em>[Roll Credits]<em>

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Next week—yep, another host! Thanks for reading, reviews are always appreciated!


	3. Hosted by The Miz

Disclaimer: C'mon, you all read my stories all the damn time and you KNOW what I'm going to say…geez.

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><p>"Welcome to the Quarter Past 6 News! Aaaaand for this week's edition, I'm your most AWESOME host, the Miz! Ok you…people—let's get started! It's time for the news! HOO-RAH!<p>

Pro Wrestling NOAH star Kenta Kobashi made his long awaited return at a recent show, tagging with Mitsuhara Misawa in a loss to Jun Akiyama and Yuji Nagata. Kobashi was pinned after taking the brutal Exploder Suplex. After the match, it was reported Kobashi re-injured his already badly damaged knee, possibly requiring surgery or a heavy brace. Nevertheless, Kobashi is trying to convince NOAH management that he doesn't need to miss any ring time. In related news, Kevin Nash re-appeared for the WWE on that same day, where he got some dirt in his eye. He is expected to miss 6-8 weeks of ring time.

Ok next-after receiving many positive reactions to the start of the John Cena-Rock feud on Monday Night Raw, WWE head exec Stephanie McMahon said the following. 'While we are pleased that the angle went off well, WWE fans can be assured that by this time in 3 weeks, we'll have screwed up the angle beyond repair. Now, look at my big boobs and leather hat.'

In other news, 2000 Olympic wrestling gold medalist Rulon Gardner recently made mainstream headlines by surviving for days in the freezing cold. He was found by a rescue helicopter and had frostbite. The WWE thinks Gardner could use this heat to be brought in as a major babyface. Many workers are excited about this, especially HHH, as he hasn't buried anyone new in a while."

_Miz furrows his brow and the camera zooms in real close to his face. He asks,_ "Really? Really? REALLY? Hey, did you people know that I'm AWESOME? Anyway, moving forward…

In reviving the trend of past Wrestlemanias, WWE exec Stephanie McMahon is looking for ways to involve her family. At the 2000 'Mania we had a 'McMahon in every corner, and at 2001, we had McMahon vs. McMahon, 2002 and so on up until about 2007'. Stephanie hopes to combine all of these and have Wrestlemania 2013 be subtitled "A McMahon in Every Match"...Mania is expected to be the first ever PPV with a negative buyrate.

Ok, here's something-The WWE is very high on some current stars that aren't in the main event spotlight. Of those wrestlers, David Otunga is especially in line for a big push, once he turns white.

Oh, hey—for all you ladies out there, check THIS out-Shawn Michaels is still hot on the comeback trail. He's gearing up for a return to the ring, and not much has changed since we last saw him. He's still a workhorse, still charismatic, and still a flaming homosexual who thinks it's 1986."

_Miz sips his Gatorade and says,_ "Yeah, I said it, so it must be AWESOMELY true!" _He takes another sip and says,_ "Mmm…ok, let's continue here…

At a recent XWF event, Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine celebrated his birthday by wrestling a match for every year old that he was. It is the first time that one man has ever wrestled 87 matches in one night.

The Rock is expected to miss some TV time for a little while. When brought back, he will most likely job to Jinder Mahal, Rey Mysterio, and Trish Stratus in an arm-wrestling match. Despite this, he'll still be far more popular than HHH could ever politic his way into being. Seeing as HHH is the less popular babyface, he'll be given the World title at the next PPV and a 9-month reign. Rock will be rewarded by jobbing in a feud with Kelly Kelly.

Florida Wrestling promoter Ricky Steamboat is very pleased to have WWE developmental wrestlers and former stars who need retooling. Some of the names working for him are Steve Blackman, Bill DeMott, and D-Lo Brown. Of all the names, Steamboat cites D-Lo Brown as showing the most improvement. He said, 'D-Lo has totally stepped up his game. He's in better shape, more dedicated, and he's only crippled SIX guys with his powerbomb this month!'

Hey guys! The WWE has finally found a gimmick for Ezekiel Jackson. Jackson's new character is that of a simple wrestler who gets angry easily, and when he's angered, he suffers from massive attacks of diarreah. His new ring name is "Stinky Pants" Jackson. Sadly, this is legitimately a better gimmick than that of the current tag team champions.

_Suddenly, Miz's eyes grow wide. He excitedly says,_ "Fans, this just in-despite another push, Mason Ryan would still be **far** more popular if he was dead!

Ok, moving on-Tazz was reportedly upset at the booking committee for planning to take away the TNA tag titles from his favorite team, Samoa Joe and Magnus, so soon. He was even going to go as far as to protest this decision face to face with the writing staff, but he couldn't reach the doorknob to their office."

_Miz clears his throat and says,_ "Oh, did I remember to tell you people that—I'M THE MIZ, AND IIIIIII'M AAAAAAWESOOOOOOOME! Ok, so now that you know, we can go forward with this…bullshit.

Alicia Fox just received a raise of an extra $35,000 per year. She is expected to walk to rings, stand on aprons occasionally, and perform the worst acting anyone has ever seen. In related news, the WWE cut that waste of space, no talent MVP.

Ryback has been off TV for a while. When asked why, he answered, "Well, my character needs retooling. I'm working out a bit, and tweaking some things. Also, Vince finally realized 2 years after all the fans did, that I'm one of the worst wrestlers in the world. Yeah...I really blow."

The WWA New England held a PPV Sunday night. Some fans said it strongly resembled a WCW show. It featured hot cruiserweight action, some long time WCW mainstays, and WCW style booking. Also, it was booked by a moron and is projected to lose millions, JUST like WCW!"

The camera shot suddenly zooms in on Miz' face. He has a puzzled look on his face and just says, "I'm fucking AWESOOOOOME! Ok, let's keep moving!

Several WWE stars appeared on a special one-more-time episode of _Fear Factor_ recently. One of the competitions featured the stars having to drink a concoction of disgusting foods, such as bile, fish juice, animal fat, etc. Only Trish and CM Punk survived. Trish was quoted as saying, "I knew it would taste gross, but after working for the WWE for so many years, I'm used to drinking big gulps of human body fluids! And at least this time, my breath doesn't taste like Randy Orton's balls!"

Independent wrestler Vic Grimes blew a spot horribly in his XPW match with New Jack recently. He was supposed to fall off a stage through several tables, but misjudged and almost completely missed the tables. Grimes was fine afterwards, but he is expected to be a total dumbass and try stuff like this in the future for an extra 30 dollars. WAY TO GO VIC!

Hey you Attitude-era fans! Look for The Godfather to make a comeback and be repackaged! Instead of a fun loving pimp/escort service owner, the WWE feels they could change this character to be effective. Look for a completely new gimmick, a completely new character, and in perhaps the most effective move, a completely new person to play The Godfather.

Hulk Hogan is reportedly getting over with the TNA locker room very well. They all seem to love his gimmick of a hobbling, bewildered old man who's desperately trying to look cool. When asked about the gimmick change, Hogan said, 'What gimmick change?'

Ok that's it, folks—and don't forget—I'M THE MIIIIIZ, AND IIIIII'M…awesome."

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><p><em>[Roll Credits]<em>

_._

Thanks for reading, and yep—another host next week—hope to see you there! Reviews are always welcome, too!


	4. Hosted by CM Punk

Disclaimer: C'mon, you already KNOW my damned disclaimer.

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><p>"I'd like to welcome you all to yet another bone-chilling episode of the 'Quarter after 6 News'! I'm your host, CM Punk. Now, this episode wont QUITE be 'news' as you and I would think of it, but it's more INFORMATIONAL product promotion or, rather, DEmotion."<p>

_Camera shot switches to a full-on frontal angle as CM is shown in his wrestling gear and wearing a necktie—hey, I told him to dress professionally…anyway…_

"Ok some of you fans—myself included—have bought tons of wrestling merchandise over the years. Well, there are some pieces of merchandise that weren't…how do you say...that **popular**, necessarily. AlKaholiK's done some research and he's given me the names and descriptions of some of these above-mentioned products. "

_Faint voice can be heard off-screen._

"Um…yes they're real products."

_Faint voice ONCE AGAIN can be heard from off-screen._

"Al would NEVER lie to people, why do you ask? Hey…hey, Mr. camera man, shut up or I'll tell Al to cut your pay in half!"

_Faint laughter is heard and someone's voice can be heard._

"What do you MEAN 'what's half of nothing?'? Anyway—leave me alone! Ahem, here we go, folks!

There's been TONS of awful wrestling merchandise over the years…and a few basketball names, so many, in fact, that you could make a list! TALK ABOUT A GREAT SEGUE! Buuuut, since this site doesn't allow lists, we're just going to…discuss some of these things."

_Punk takes a swig of water and begins…_

"Ok, at number 10, we have the Jack Swagger Halloween Mask

It seemed like a good idea. Take one of the ugliest wrestlers alive and add a holiday where you try to look strange and what do you get? The Jack Swagger mask. However, the mask itself came out looking more like Ellen Degeneres than anything. Also, the wig, while being woven from beautiful horse hair was found to carry horrible biting fleas, and caused a mass outbreak of malaria throughout the Marietta, Georgia area.

Folks, the redeeming quality is that, by wearing this mask, you can convince people you were in Quiet Riot and make out with fat ugly drunk people.

Haha…at number 9, we have-Dikembe Mutombo! You know, It's funny because it's only two of his 17 birth names. I think one of them is Mork."

_CM shrugs and says_, "Ok, moving on, we have number 8—the 'Rowdy' Roddy Rectal Thermometer.

Now, the thing about this item is that most doctors use it today, as it's the best rectal thermometer on the market. However, the fact that the thermometer tip is sculpted like Roddy Piper's head doesn't really attract fans. Also, everyone who buys one gets a free demonstration video by Roddy, only HIS thermometer is no less than 19 inches...WIDE.

The redeeming quality? Well, remember in Wrestlemania 6 when Piper painted himself half black? Simply insert this baby halfway in, pull out, AND YOU'VE JUST RECREATED HISTORY!

Okaaay numberrrrr 7—here we go—it's the Bruno Sammartino Porno Collection!

According to this report, one of Vince McMahon Jr's first big ventures into the commercialization of pro wrestling was this little number. He decided at the time that his core audience was still older men, thus men who could A-Watch porn legally and B-got into wrestling during Bruno's heyday. The project was thrown together so quickly though, that the final product seemed cheap, unedited and just plain weird. For example, Bruno's head was pasted onto the body of several women in the first scene alone. After that, you get a video of Bruno attacking Giant Baba with a chair. This is followed by 5 hours of the gang-banging of a young boy until he chokes on his own tears. Then the video wraps up with Bruno eating a sandwich.

Aaaaand the redeeming quality-for those collectors, the young boy in the gang bang is none other than Vince's 'on air' Linda McMahon (real name Linda McMahon-Helmsley)!"

_Cm smiles and gives an "I'll bet you didn't know that" point toward the camera while nodding._

"Ok, let's keep this train rollin'! At number 6, there's Antonio Inoki's Giant Bag of Buttons and Thread

This product suffers mainly from poor translating skills in the product departments. Inoki was set to release video tapes and figures of his New Japan promotion in the mid-80's, but somewhere along the lines, his instructions and orders got changed into a giant bag of old buttons and used thread. The bag DID however have a picture of Inoki on it. Too bad it cost $89.50.

Yet, the redeeming quality is that, for just under $90 dollars, you don't even have to worry about buttons falling off your clothes anymore!

Number 5, we have Kareem Abdul-Jabbar!

You know, It's funny because Kareem sounds like 'Cream' and 'Jabbar' sounds like Babar the elephant. …And because his goggles were funny-looking.

Ok, we're approaching the finish line here, folks! Number 4 is The OFFICIAL Dino Bravo Donkey Brush!

Whoever thought that donkey brushes would sell to the wrestling fans was drunk. And whoever thought that South American coffee bean farmers would be persuaded to buy the product of a muscle-bound French-Canadian with dyed blonde hair was crazy. Drunk + Crazy is not a good formula when you're marketing for hot new merchandise. One good thing though, in the commercials, Dino could easily bench press the brush WITHOUT the help of Jesse Ventura

Yes, yes…the redeeming quality? Dino Bravo is dead now. And donkeys are extinct.

Alright, next—at number 3—'Immortal' Cereal.

Originally called 'Abyss Crisps', after Abyss, of course-the cereal was repackaged to include marshmallow shapes of all the Immortal characters. It was a great idea at first. But when the people at General Mills decided they wanted to go with the shapes being of more accurate size, they hit a snag they wouldn't recover from. Seeing as Eric Bischoff, Abyss, AND Jeff Hardy were all in the group, only 2 marshmallows could fit in each box of cereal—mainly due to the fact that the marshmallows had ENORMOUS egos. However, in a funny twist, The Jeff Hardy marshmallow was red and black, and the Abyss marshmallow was real colorful…oh and fruity…VERRRY fruity.

The redeeming quality of this product was that if you bought the Hulk Cereal—which, of course, came SEPARATE, one single orange flake can destroy an entire box of 'Dixie's TNA Crunch' cereal with nothing but punches and legdrops."

_Cm shakes his head and says_, "Ain't THAT the truth, BROTHERRRR? Hahaha…let's close this thing out…

Okay, number 2 is The NEW Bible, by A-Ry.

Actually, Alex's writing skills appear to be TREMENDOUS. His use of simile and metaphor is astounding and I really couldn't wait for him to write some kind of book about a submarine that can tap dance. But even I can't stomach a version of the Bible where Kaz Hayashi discovers the Ten Commandments, Goldust gets swallowed by a whale, and Shannon Moore wins the title at the end with a 450 splash on Satan.

Alright fans, last, but certainly not least, we have the number one product—Samoa Joe's 2 in 1 Hammock & Thong/Kiki Vandeweghe (tie)

Kiki was white. And he played basketball, so that immediately makes him more rare than a good Mason Ryan promo. The Samoa Joe thong/hammock kit was unique, as it was exclusive only to the subscribers of certain magazines. Those magazines in no particular order(that means alphabetical) were: _Jet, Sports Illustrated For Kids, Vibe, and Weekly World News_. I even ordered one myself, as I could always use a spare 12th hammock. Much to my dismay, the 'signature' that Joe left wasn't his name, but it sure was marked by him. Apparently, he tests each and every hammock that's sold by taking it on the road for a few days. I tried my best to sleep in mine, but the pure stench of Samoass sent me into a coma within seconds.

Folks, take my word—the ONLY redeeming quality to THIS product was that Kiki Vandeweghe was a good rebounder.

Err, that's it. I'm out!

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><p><em>[Roll Credits]<em>

_._

Thanks for tuning in, and remember—reviews are always appreciated! I mean, these may be just me drunkenly making this shit up for 15 minutes at a time, or it could be me drunkenly working hard researching this stuff—I'll let you decide.

.

Tune in next time, we'll have yet another host—and he's already issued a pre-show statement! And I quote, "Hey, if they don't like how I do the news, I never leave the house without wearing my shoes!"

…one can only GUESS who THAT is, lol!


	5. Hosted by Cena

Disclaimer: C'mon now, are you REALLY asking?

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><p>"Welcome to yet ANOTHER edition of the news! It'd help if I didn't have the blues! I'm your hizzost, John Cena, and tonight I'm doin' the news 'cause that's what I mean-a!<p>

With Goldust's gimmick of a man with Tourette's Syndrome, the WWE is considering running more angles like this. The 'minds' of WWE creative are thinking that MAYBE we'd get to see CM Punk develop lockjaw, Wade Barrett be diagnosed with sickle cell anemia, and in the biggest blockbuster of them all, Randy Orton, THE FIRST WRESTLER WITH DOWN SYNDROME_.(Not counting JR)_

Yo, there's some other news, I gotta' bend over to tie my shoes—but, Bill DeMott said in a recent interview that he is really enjoying his role as a trainer on Tough Enough. In related news, Bill DeMott is a retard.

Fans of TNA were impressed with the classy way the promotion handled the death of Randy Savage, having a wrestler win a match with a diving elbow drop. Upon hearing this, Vince McMahon was outraged and said, 'Hey! I had Warrior sit under the ring all night and crapped in a bucket when he wasn't looking! I've got so much class it comes out of my pores like piping hot diarreah!'

…In a related story, if anyone got the 'crap in a bucket' joke, please let AlKaholiK know.

WWE Women's Tag Team Champion, Aretha Franklin (a.k.a. BubblyShell22), is said to be unhappy with her current contract. She's hoping for more bookings and merchandise availability. When reached for comments, WWE PR representative Sgt. Slaughter asked AlKaholiK who BubblyShell was, then made out with him. The report says that 'he was firm, but oh so gentle. And after a while, OH SO FIRM!'

Oh—here we go, this Just In! I'm still employed by the WWE! HA!"

_John takes a sip of water and he continues…_

"Are wedding bells ringing again in the WWE? Everyone knows that Stephanie and HHH are married, but my sources have informed me of another on-screen pair who have real life sexual chemistry. So from the bottom of my thuganomified heart, let me be the first to say congratulations to Mark Henry and a ham sandwich.

In Japan news, Toshiaki Kawada recently wrestled with a broken arm and had to adjust the booking of his match on the fly, ending it at the 25 minute mark instead of the original 40. On the US side of things, Kevin Nash is well on his way to a 6-month recovery from falling down while walking in a straight line. BIG SEXY IN THE HOUSE!

Joanie Laurer and X-Pac are engaged AGAIN and have registered for wedding gifts at Target and Bed, Bath & Beyond. I would just like to say that I'm glad we live in a society that doesn't judge a woman with a penis for having sex with a half-man, half-rat. Enjoy the honeymoon boys!

Keeping on the Laurer/Waltman story, my sources informed me that X-Pac spoke with his friend HHH for the first time since he started dating Laurer again. There were no hard feelings, and in fact, HHH even offered to show up at the wedding, reveal he'd already married the bride, and pin X-Pac in a total burial.

Drew McIntyre was given his chance at a big time push this week by the WWE. However, after he failed to endure the relentless, unending pounding for 5 minutes, he left Pat Patterson's office and had a match with Chris Jericho."

_John clears his throat and says_, "Damn, I got a tickle in my throat, what ever happened to Isaac from _'The Love Boat_?'

Anyway, Hulk Hogan was on the radio this week stating why he wasn't at the Impact Zone. He was away to see his daughter at a singing audition. Unfortunately, things looked grim for his daughter as the talent scouts told her she had little to no singing ability. Determined, Hulk_**ess**_ began to shake violently and march around in circles, then stopped and pointed at the fattest person there, and attempted to body slam them. She is now being held on $1,000 bail at the Cook County Correctional Facility.

Wow chain gang, check THIS out, when it rains I use my umbrella no doubt-Bob Backlund made his return to the WWE this week. Unfortunately for Mr. Backlund, the lost and found did NOT have his old hat he lost in 1987. More on this as it develops!"

_John sits his stack of papers aside and says_, "A'ight, yo—this is the last bit of news, my favorite candy bar is 'Charleston Chews'!

Okay…With his position in TNA, D-Lo Brown is heavily expected to wrestle again! His gimmick is expected to be a revolutionary idea from the mind of Vince Russo-D-Lo McMahon, the sassy black guy with a heart of gold. Expect him to job un_**mer**_cifully.

AlKaholiK will be making an appearance at the Playboy mansion this week regarding the newest edition spread. He will then be dragged off by security, kicking, screaming and making sure his pigtails are in place.

Ok, that's it, we DONE! How can you eat a hamburger without a BUN! Peace **out**, when I eat a hot dog, I like it with some sauer**kraut**! YOU CAN'T SEE ME!"

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><p><em>[Roll Credits]<em>

_._

Thanks for tuning in, don't miss it next time, when there'll be yet ANOTHER host! See you then!


	6. Hosted by Edge

Disclaimer: I don't own shit, but thanks for asking.

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><p>"I'd like to welcome everyone to another heart-stopping edition of the news! I'm your host with the most—Edge! You know how like, on the news, they do product information you may need to know? Right? Right. Well, tonight, that's what's going down."<p>

_[Camera view switches to full-on frontal.]_

"Ummm…yeah, so folks—tonight, I'm giving you the rundown of the 10 greatest toy wrestling figures that ever existed! Well, according to my crack reporter, AlKaholiK—who TOTALLY reeks of awesomeness! Ok, here goes…

At number 10, there was the King Kong Bundy action figure, by LJN!

Why? Simply put, the LJN figures didn't pose. They were just rubber figures. King Kong Bundy was a big fat guy. Hence, his toy was a big fat pile of rubber, with arms. It wasn't really a cool toy, but it could easily replace a football in times of need. "

_(-A/N—Sorry to interrupt your live scheduled newscast, but I've been trying to include King Kong Bundy in one of my stories ever since I started writing here.. The closest KKB came to making one of my lists was in the infamous, "Top 10 Things I'd Like To Use While Masturbating" list. A copy of King Kong Bundy vs. Andre The Giant ranked #11 on my list, barely losing out to a homemade vagina. In hindsight, I think the copy of the match would have worked better, as "my" vagina has actually caused lots of scarring and blood loss. If anyone was wondering, Number 1 on that list was a copy of "Catcher In The Rye" and a jar of mayonnaise.)_

_Edge's eyes shift back and forth quickly and he says_, "Umm, yeah…ok, dude. Anyway, at number 9—The Lance Storm ECW figure.

Nothing special about this figure, except that it is the most lifelike figure ever made. It looks EXACTLY like Lance, from his buzzcut right down to his boots. His physique is dead on and the pants are just like what he wore in ECW. His facial expression is classic Storm, and in a real touch of professionalism, they included that GIGANTIC RED BUTTON that Lance Storm apparently has growing out of his back that causes his arms to wildly flail back and forth. It's good to see Lance still made a career for himself despite this hideous, grotesque deformity.

Ok, at number 8, there's 'Generic Wrestling Figure #5311C-291', found in most dollar stores.

Picture it. A young wrestling fan asks Santa for all of his favorite wrestlers for Christmas! Randy Orton, The Miz, Jeff Hardy, Sting, and OF COURSE, Bill DeMott! Anyway, he goes to bed on Christmas eve, eyes closed tightly in the hopes that he falls asleep quick so Christmas will come, and of course so that weird Uncle Roger won't make him play 'Happy Touching'. He awakes to find that it's Christmas! As he rushes down the stairs to see what Santa brought, he expects to see all his favorites, right there in 'RealScan' lifelike form. Unfortunately, Junior doesn't know that Santa is his unemployed daddy, and Mrs. Claus has been giving it up BUTT good to the cable guy so they could at least keep Lifetime (The Channel for Women dammit!) But he soon finds the cold hard truth as instead of his heroes, he gets some toy with a He-Man body and a purple head that says, 'SUPERSTAR WRESTLER'. It's not so bad at first, but then he goes back to school two weeks later, and his friends have the latest HHH figure, with No-Sell action! He reveals his purple headed warrior (Ugh…THE **TOY**, YOU PERVERTS) and is met with ridicule, followed by a flurry of punches to the face and groin. Several minutes later, little Junior dies, clutching his generic dollar store wrestling figure as if it could actually save him. NEWSFLASH KID, YOU DIED BECAUSE THE TOY IS GAY. AND NOBODY LIKES POOR KIDS!"

_Suddenly, a cup flies in from offscreen and Edge calmly ducks it. He sticks his tongue out to the person off-camera who threw the cup and he continues…_

Now…before I was interrupted, we have number 7—The Stone Cold Steve Austin figure w/ Removable Leg Braces and Neck Brace!

Fans, lemme' tell you-nothing makes a toy great more than awesome accessories. G.I. Joes always came with various guns and combat equipment. Barbie had tons of outfits...or so AlKaholiK tells me. But this figure had the coolest accessories ever. A couple beer cans, two gigantic leg braces and a neck brace for the surgery he had every couple years, because he was such a ruthless badass. After all, what says "I'm tough" like having constant crippling injuries? He doesn't take any crap from anyone, and he can take out the entire WWE roster within seconds, but by God, don't ask him to walk to the ring without his over-sized giant metal casts that help him bend his knees SO THEY DONT GET SORE. AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE! Hey, what makes a person more intimidating than a giant neck brace that he wears so it doesn't hurt to TURN HIS HEAD? NOTHING, CUZ' STONE COLD SAID SO! Shatter that glass, get ready for stunners, because Steve Austin is going to slowly limp to the ring without turning his head, and when he gets there in 3 minutes, HE'S GONNA BEAT THE EVER LOVING CRAP out of someone! 3:16!

Ok, at number 6, there was the Jake 'The Snake' Roberts figure.

Well shit…let's be honest here-Al really only put this here because he's stopped making fun of poor Jake. Let ME try_…*ahem*…_Jake does drugs, HAHAHAHAHA. He's not famous anymore, hee hee. Ah, forget it, I'm not good at mocking drug-ridden shells of their former selves, either. Hey, somebody—PM me or poor Al with some Snake jokes? Please?"

_Edge shuffles the papers in front of him and continues…_

Ok, we're aaaaaat…uuh…YES, number 5- Chyna w/ Giant Penis. This was apparently a mail-in exclusive.

Now, I'm not normally a reader of _Better Home & Garden_, but I was at the dentist's office waiting for my appointment; and when I saw this toy offer in their magazine, I was shocked. Imagine my surprise as I was simply reading some tips on how to make my bathroom sink more festive, when what do my eyes behold? _**A rare exclusive bottomless Chyna figure**_. There she was in all her dong-having glory, throbbing penis whipping in the breeze. Well, maybe not, but still, the first EVER anatomically correct Chyna figure! I **had** to have it. So I sent in my 8 dollars, 4 proofs of purchase and my first born child, and 14 weeks later, it arrived. I had cleared a spot on my desk for it, and when I opened the package, I realized...I'd been ripped off. This wasn't Chyna with a penis. This was a Princess Di commemorative plate. Maybe all that soda I'd drank the day I first 'saw' the ad affected my senses, maybe not. All I know is that instead of having a Chyna figure with a big old penis, I had to settle for a Di plate that I promptly sold on ebay for $11,000. Sure, I wisely invested it in stock and now I'm sitting on a nice little nest egg of about 3.7 million dollars, but am I really happy? The answer is no. Not until I have a Chyna figure with a giant 14-inch phallus.

Anyway, moving on—last half, people! At number 4, we have 'Fisto'.

Sure, it was actually a He-Man toy, but his freaking name was FISTO! Actually, isn't that the name of one of those softcore porns that Buff Bagwell was in? Anywho, He-Man toys were so great, and what thoughtful names. Take the man made of moss. His clever name? Mossman. How about the man who was part beast? Beastman. That skunk guy who was stinky? STINKOR! Someone find the guy who named the He-Man characters, and sign him to the WWE marketing department. So long Stone Cold, hello Leg Brace-or! The Usos? No, it'd be the USOARS. R-Truth? Neg-Ro. Mark Henry's even got a new name as well-Fatso. Ironically, Rhyno's name is changed to Goro, and he now has several arms and works for a guy named Shang Tsung. They could also re-hash Fisto for any wrestler that uses punches for 95% of their offense...oh wait, that's most of the upper mid-card! Say, I can't wait for John Fista vs. The Fist at Wrestlemania, can you?

Next, we have, at number 3, the Hulk Hogan WCW toy, 1999.

This is the highest old Hulk will ever get on any list that starts with 'Best of', unless of course, you are talking about Best Movies about commandos who are in the suburbs, in which case, _Suburban Commando_ finishes in 4th! If you were wondering what number one is, it's _Dude Where's My Car?_ Anyway, the toy. This toy was rather plain looking, but it had a unique feature. Whenever newer, better, younger toys would come within several feet of it, they would be buried underneath toys like Brutus Beefcake and Jim Duggan for no apparent reason. Also, the Hogan toy would ONLY work properly if you played with toys like Macho Man and Ric Flair. One time I tried to play with my Hogan toy along with Chris Benoit, and the Benoit figure caught on fire, Hogan legdropped it, and proceeded to say, "I'm a draw still!" Rather scary, but well worth the 2 dollars I paid for it. Oh yeah, the Hogan toy also NEVER went near any black toys for some reason."

_Edge takes a sip of soda, smiles and says_, "SODAS RULE!"

_(A/N-Sorry, I couldn't resist.)_

_He clears his throat and continues_, "Ok at number two, there was the Blue Blazer w/ Brain Splatterin' Action!

Oh, poor Owen Hart. So many people wondered if foul play was involved in his death. Did Vince REALLY have something to do with it? Was the harness properly secured? And so on...but this unreleased figure proves one thing. None other than Tommy Jakks, owner of Jakks toys. You see, Tommy had a plan for a new Owen toy with a great action feature. The Blue Blazer toy had a small button on the foot, and when pressed, it's head would explode with an oozing puddle of brain. The WWF passed, so Tony went into action, cutting Owen's harness and making his action figure idea come into fruition, with an actual human being!

OK, I admit it. This wasn't even that funny, but I only read it because I LOVE getting several hate mails telling me how I'll burn horribly for daring to mock the name of Owen Hart. Newsflash, Owen was not a heavenly being. He was Canadian. I know they are both strange, but there IS a difference. Yeah, yeah…I'm Canadian, too, but…um…I'm the exception! Ok, last one! Oh, and be sure to send all hate mail to AlKaholiK—HE wrote that shit, I just READ it!

Anyway, at number one—The Bloodied-Up Abdullah The Butcher doll.

I own about 4 wrestling figures. This one actually hangs on my wall. What is cooler than a giant fat guy with huge tits? How about a fat guy with huge tits that has scars so deep in his forehead that he can wedge quarters into it? Or how about all that, PLUS he's bleeding like a stuck pig. Take all that, and then figure out that his name is ABDULLAH, and you've got the greatest toy of all time. Well, that is, except maybe the Ralph Wiggum figure. Who really cares when you think about it, because Tyler Reks is taking over the WWE! NOT!

Ok people, that's it, I'm YOUR 'Rated-R Superstar'! And I'm out!

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><p><em>[Roll Credits]<em>

_._

Tune in next time! Yep, there'll be yet another host. Thanks for reading, reviews are always appreciated!


	7. Hosted by Randy Orton

Disclaimer: Do I REALLY need to say it?

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><p><em>[The camera focuses on Randy Orton, who's dressed in his wrestling gear…and a necktie tied into a perfect Windsor knot.]<em>

_._

"Good evening, folks! I'm Randy Orton, but YOU may call me 'the viper'. I'm about to give you the news tonight so listen up and pay attention! Ok first…

.

It appears that Drew MacIntyre has been at it _**again**_ recently, stirring up controversy in the backstage area. The most recent rumors have him complaining bitterly about the direction of Goldust's character. Said MacIntyre, "There's only room for one blatant homosexual gimmick in this company, AND THAT'S THE ONE AND ONLY—DREW MAC-DADDY INTYRE!"

_[Suddenly, from off camera, a clunking noise is heard. Randy looks back to see what that is, shrugs, and then continues…]_

Booker T has been getting a lot of praise as of late. When asked what he credits his newfound role to, Booker said, "Well, I've been working harder, adaptin' my style of commentary to fit with the WWE universe, and learning mo' every single day. Also, I convinced the writers that I'm not black, just a really tan white guy. SUCKAAAAAAAAAA!"

_Suddenly, Randy's eyes convey terror as he says,_ "ladies and gentlemen! This Just In—Trish Stratus, without makeup on, is hideous to look at.

"Okay, moving on-HHH has been very happy with the new booking ideas. Said Hunter, "This is so neat. I remember a time when I was busy burying Rock, Orton, Jericho, Angle, and even John Cena. Why, it wasn't until I took a good, looooong look at our current roster that I realized how many other careers I could ruin. That's why I-I think I'm going to lace up the boots for another full time-run…hmmm. I mean-why there's CM Punk, Sheamus, Wade Barrett, uh—that l'il black fella with the yellow tights runnin' around backstage…' HHH continued listing names until he had listed the ENTIRE roster-Including Michael Cole. Rumors of a Cole-HHH Iron Man Ladder Cage Match at the next PPV are still unfounded.

At a recent press conference, The Rock talked about his role in Hollywood and professional wrestling. Rock explained that while he loved both careers, they were very similar and very different at the same time. Said Rock, "I do my own movie stunts, which is a lot like wrestling. The real differences, though, are dressing rooms in Hollywood don't reek of Hulk Hogan's Ben-Gay, and instead of _**Big Show**_ raping new guys-it's Ron Howard."

_Randy shuffles his papers and says…_

Ok, HERE'S something-In an effort to boost interest in the women's division, the WWE has purchased AJW, a Japanese women's wrestling promotion. However, the booking staff was dumbfounded when not a single wrestler on the AJW roster was large-breasted, willing to have sex with Randy Orton, or mildly retarded. Look for Aja Kong vs. Alicia Fox in the second ever R.O.T.C. mudpit match by 2015.

In other news, the TNA is still signing stars by the truckload. In order to expand to a bigger audience, Jeff Jarrett & Company have recently signed several former WWE champions. Now scheduled to appear on their first show are former WWE title holders Davey Boy Smith, Owen Hart, Rick Rude, Andre The Giant and Sid Vicious. It is widely rumored that despite being dead, Owen, Bulldog, and Rude will still have a better match than Abyss or Matt Morgan. When asked about his signing, Sid Vicious said, 'Hey! I'm not dead. I feel fine! I feel happy!'

_As Randy was about to continue, a voice from off-camera calls him. Randy glances over and someone tosses a grape soda to him. Randy raises the soda in a gesture of thanks , opens it, and starts slurping it down. He then continues…_

Ahhhh…that's better-UUUUUUUURP! Damn—my fault…anyway, with sagging ratings, Vince McMahon is contemplating booking himself to once again have 100% control of his company. In a conference call, McMahon said that he feels that the company is too light in the McMahon area, and he plans to bring back Stephanie to feud with him over ownership rights immediately. In other news, Vince McMahon wants me to claw my eyes out and vomit to death.

-Rob Van Dam and Jeff Hardy have been highly praised by fans for their dramatic ladder match. Not to be outdone, The Undertaker decided to show them how a _**man**_ works a crowd. He subsequently gave an interview that put everyone in the arena to sleep, instantly. Look for Undertaker's new 'Hypnotist' gimmick to come alive strong by the fall, when he's hypnotized Brodus Clay into thinking he is NOT pregnant.

WOW! WHAT GREAT WRESTLING NEWS, EH? EH? One last thing before I go. I managed to score an interview with the returning Brock Lesnar. Here it is, in its entirety. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to prepare for my interview, so instead of asking questions, I simply spouted off famous movie quotes. I think it turned out pretty good! Enjoy!"

_[We cut to a pre-recorded taping…]_

RANDY: Brock, thanks for taking the time to talk to me.

Brock: Please untie me.

RANDY: In time my young friend. I'm going to ask you a bunch of questions, and I want them answered _**immediately!**_

Brock: Such as?

RANDY: Who is your daddy, and what does he do?

Brock: My father's been dead for over 20 years.

RANDY: My CPU is a neuro-net processor. It's a learning computer.

Brock: Oh...well, uh…I'm the next big thing.

RANDY: Mr. Lesnar, are you trying to seduce me?

Brock: Is it **that** obvious?

RANDY: Just when I thought I was out...THEY PULL ME BACK IN!

Brock: Out of what, the inner circle of homosexuality in the wrestling business? Or out of gas in your car?

RANDY: Dude, where's my car?

Brock: I loved that movie.

RANDY: I would butcher the whole world if only you'd love me.

Brock: ...will you start with Michael Hayes? He's been so pissy ever since we cut off his hair on that plane all those years back.

RANDY: He's quite wily, like his old man.

Brock: Who's his old man?

RANDY: Luke, I **am** your father.

Brock: I'm Brock. But some people think I look like Ludvig Borga. That sounds like Luke, kind of.

RANDY: I don't even know youre name.

Brock: I just said it's Brock. Short for Brockenmeyer.

RANDY: I was just wonderin' if you wouldn't mind marrying me much...

Brock: I'm flattered, but there's this cute girl who works for the WWE. Her name is Drew MacIntyre.

RANDY: You got heart, but you fight like a damn ape.

Brock: Only because I am constantly eating bananas. Well, seductively tasting them at least...it all goes back to my crush on Drew.

RANDY: Get your hands off me, you damn, dirty ape!

Brock: Those aren't my hands.

RANDY: Brock, where is your other hand?

Brock: Between these two pillows.

RANDY: ...THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!

Brock: Hey, there's Paul E!

RANDY: Fat guy in a little coat...fat guy in a liiiittle coooaat!

Brock: Oh...he's eating old sandwiches out of the garbage again. He got so used to doing that with his ECW salary that he never stopped. That's sad. Can I borrow your comb?

RANDY: What do you need a comb for, you don't have any hair!

Brock: You wouldn't know, you're not in the business. Unless you are. Say, are you a wrestler?

RANDY: I don't work with the males, 'cause I used to be one.

Brock: Oh...you're not anymore?

RANDY: I'm Dr. Rosenrosen.

Brock: Say what?

RANDY: Dr. Rosenpenis.

Brock: You're gay.

RANDY: CHOPPER! SICK BALLS!

Brock: Man, I should powerbomb you in the name of the Mother Mary herself!

RANDY: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side!

Brock: You don't **have** a blaster, you have a ping pong paddle. And you haven't stopped hitting me with it since you started talking to me!

RANDY: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

Brock: Will you leave me alone?

RANDY: No Sicilian can refuse any request on his daughter's wedding day.

Brock: You're Sicilian?

RANDY: um...no.

Brock: That's what I thought!

RANDY: You know, now that you're respectable Brock, you're more dangerous than you were. I think I preferred you when you were just a common mafia hood.

Brock: I'm confused...don't you wanna' talk about steroid abuse in wrestling or something?

RANDY: If every drug pusher in this room would drop dead, I would be the only one still alive.

Brock: You know, your interview with Bret Hart was 10 times better than this one.

RANDY: Ummm…yeah, so the next day, my father went to see him; only this time with Luca Brasi. An' within an hour, he signed a release, for a certified check for $1000.

Brock: How'd he do that?

RANDY: My father made him an offer he couldn't refuse.

Brock: What was that?

RANDY: Luca Brasi held a gun to his head and my father assured him that either his brains, or his signature, would be on the contract. That's a true story. That's my family, Kay-it's not _me_.

Brock: Kay who?

RANDY: You can't **handle** the truth!

Brock: This interview is over...why did you come here anyway?

RANDY: I came here to raise crops, and God willing, a family.

_As the picture freezes on Brock's smiling face, Orton's voice comes over the loudspeaker..._

**"It was around this time that Brock began weeping, expressing his undying love for me. I asked if he'd marry me, but then I spray-painted NWO on his back as we were hugging."**

_[We fade to black, credits roll]_

_._

The End.

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><p>Thanks for reading, y'all! It feels good to be back! Please, do the kind thing, and review!<p>

.

For every review, that'll be one less puppy that'll be struck by a car, this afternoon...in front of YOUR house...and YOU'RE the only witness...and it scars you for life...and you can't get a good night's sleep because of it...all because you didn't review. Oh, for shame, people!


	8. Hosted by CM Punk, Again!

Disclaimer: You already know what it is.

.

_**Helloooooo, helooooo…anyone out there? Ah, HERE you are! Lol, time again for another edition of the news, babaaaay! It's been a while and I figured that it's time that I at least ACT like I know how to Multitask—I mean, I have "Grapefruits" going on, I've got people panicking because they think I'm never going to continue the "Biography" series, and then there are people that are fans of THIS series. Look, I don't want anyone to lose hope, here—I'm still with you all (those who support me, that is—those who don't should probably start now, I think.).**_

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><p><em>So, with that said, tonight's portion of the news is being brought to you today by CM Punk…again—just because he asked me so nicely. Ladies and gentlemen—CM PUUUUUNNNNNNK!<em>

_._

"Thank you, Al, you're welcomes always do me justice, my friend. Fans, I've come tonight to talk about the things that I've been wishing for—in the world of wrestling. I know that some of you may feel as though it's a waste just having me yell at a camera about things that piss me off, I'd beg to differ—after all—you people ARE reading this, so I KNOW you want to see me, and you young ladies out there KNOW your panties get soaked when even THINKING about me—so tune in and shut your pieholes. Okay, let's rock and roll!

Folks, here's a biiiiiig list of stuff I wish would happen…ahem!"

_Punk sips his water and shuffles his papers…_

"Ok, here goes…"

_He takes a deeeeeeep breath and…_

"I wish Bully Ray would come up with a new gimmick where he's got constant diarreah. OUT OF HIS EYELIDS—wouldn't THAT be cool?.

I wish Raven would change his name to Maven, and vice versa. Then when Raven, now Maven, sees Maven, now Raven, he can say, "Hey, who are you?" And Maven can reply with..."I'm...you." This can spark the greatest feud ever, which of course ends when Hulk Hogan's geriatric ass hits 12 legdrops on the Ravin' Mavens(that's their tag team name) and wins a YAPPA PIE STRAP MATCH!

I wish Sting would come to WWE. He would bring back Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker and form The Police. The _real_ Sting would be rolling in his grave! What? He's NOT dead? Damn…I thought he was. Oh well, moving on…

I wish Dusty Rhodes would get a national promotion. Just so we could see his T&A. A whooooole lot of "A", actually.

I wish RD Reynolds would let me write for his site, so I could get free copies of his books.

I wish Eric Young would get signed by the WWE, so he could promptly be defeated by Ezekiel Jackson and sent to NXT, just like all the other cruiserweights and losers.

I wish that D-Lo Brown would come out of the stands and rape Michael Cole on RAW. Just for kicks.

I wish D-Lo would then act as if nothing happened while continually shouting, "I'm a babyface! Don't make me give you my Droz-Bomb! Hahaha…Droz-bomb…DAMN, I'm hilarious.

I wish The Rock would start tagging with Mark Henry, in a team titled "Rock and a fat black dude dressed in red spandex"...Lord knows they'd be better than Otungagillicutty.

I wish Jeff Jarrett would do something really innovative in his promotion, like hit people with guitars. Or maybe hit people with guitars. Or possibly strike someone with a guitar-shaped object.

I wish Toshiaki Kawada would kick The Undertaker in the neck as hard as he can. BECAUSE TAKER IS OLD SCHOOL AND SHAKES PEOPLES HANDS, JUST LIKE SUPERSTARS DO!

I wish the handshake segment involving Jeff Hardy and Kurt Angle would have scored an unexplainable 37.6 QH rating, sparking all wrestling bookers worldwide to start having homosexual drug addict jobbers shake Olympic has-beens' hands, to boost ratings.

I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her.

I bet Steve Corino wishes he still had a career. ZING!

I wish Stephanie McMahon's last name was Hart so we could never be bothered by her again. Also, she'd be more of a crackwhore that way.

I wish that the people who won Tough Enough never had lobotomies. Then their promos would be better.

I wish someone would buy me front row tickets to this month's PPV, right here in Detroit! HINT- HINT ADORING STALKER FANS HINT- HINT.

I wish Booker T was white so he could be a lead announcer.

I wish Heath Slater was white so he could win some matches.

I wish Big Show would get a new gimmick where he thought he was Dracula, but in the big payoff, he finds out he is just real gassy.

I wish President Dubya would wrestle at Wrestlemania for the title of President of the United States.

Scratch that, because I don't wish to see President Triple H after Stephanie costs Dubya the match.

I wish Tito Santana was still alive.

I wish the Brooklyn Brawler would teach Kurt Angle a thing or two about wrestling, like how to properly lose a match.

I wish Big John Studd wasn't my natural born father.

I just found out Tito Santana IS still alive. How embarrassing.

I wish Tito Santana would die for embarrassing me.

I wish only half of MY face worked so I could comment on people's looks like JR does.

I wish I realized just how good Lord Tensai is so I could finally see the booking committee's genius in constantly trying to get him over.

I wish Kenta Kobashi's knees were stronger than graham crackers.

I wish WCW was still around. Honestly. I miss Los Fabulousos!

I wish TNA would sign more HOT women, like Sable, Chyna and possibly a woman with JR's face.

I wish TNA would bring in more mainstream stars like country singers and race car drivers. Perhaps the Grand Wizard of the Klan, or Jeff Foxworthy. Or The Lone Ranger. Or Mr. Ed.

I wish Mr. Ed would win the Hardcore Title.

I wish G-TV would then make it's shocking return to show Miss Jackie having her way sexually with Mr. Ed. This would be the greatest angle of Jackie's life, and the sad part is, that is not a joke.

I wish Andre The Giant would have never allowed his son Paul to get involved with this nasty business.

I wish that Too Cool was still around, because the amount of wiggers in pro wrestling is severely lacking. We're down to just Kevin Nash, X-Pac and Sharmell.

I wish Mean Gene Okerlund would make his triumphant return at Summerslam, culminating with him eating a live dolphin in the ring.

I wish the next night on Raw, Gene would be seen wearing the flesh of said dolphin, giving the finger to Tamina.

I wish retired WWE star Haku would come up with the catch phrase HAKU-na Matata, followed by a sexy pelvic thrust. It's so money and he doesn't even know it.

I wish Konnan was still around, because I forget if the NWO is como vato cheeto 4-ever or 4-life. Either way, he's a pop culture ICON and the WWE is nothing without him.

I wish for world peace. And if I can't get that, I wouldn't mind if Goldust had a feud with "Fake Lou Thesz", a new gimmick created by Vince McMahon.

I wish Fake Lou Thesz was played by Tugboat. Or Sika.

I wish Tugboat would come back, only it wasn't the REAL Tugboat. It's just Mean Gene again, wearing the tattered flesh of a navy soldier he'd murdered in a drunken, erotic rage.

I wish Fake Tugboat and Fake Lou Thesz would win the tag belts, so Hulk Hogan could come out and celebrate with them as if he's done something noteworthy.

I wish Hulk Hogan was stricken with AIDS, but in a startling move, refused to put it over, no-sold it, and buried AIDS with a few swift legdrops.

I wish Sheamus would realize he's "Billy Gunn'ed" the King of the Ring, and start openly praying that nobody says that William Regal has "Sheamused" his Kingship.

I wish Brock Lesnar would've started making wrestlers eat his feces and urine.

I wish this would also happen on TV occasionally.

I wish they would rename the July PPV again, this time to "Insert Name Here."

_After such a long dialogue session, Punk takes a FEW gulps from his water…_

"AAAAAAHHHHH…refreshing! Thanks for tuning in again! See yaaaaaa!"

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><p><em><strong>Welp, that's the end of another news report—although it wasn't TECHICALLY news, but…well…review anyway! Besides, all the hits I keep getting on this series, I KNOW you all like this shit…you're just too fucking lazy to review—so review! Pretty pleeeeeaaaase..with ME on top? Lol, you can take the bottom.<strong>_


	9. Hosted by Kane

Disclaimer: Guess what? I don't own shit.

Yes, yes, yes, tonight I bring to you yet ANOTHER edition of the news! I'm telling you, this shit just seems to write itself! Ok, tonight's episode is gonna be short and sweet. Tonight, I'm having Kane bring us the news! So…c'mon people—give it up…for KAAAAAAAAANE!

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><p>(Kane reaches in his tights and pulls out his reading specs.) He lifts his mask up, smiles, and waves to the camera, 'Hi everyone! My name's Kane, and tonight, I'm giving you the lowdown on every GO-down in wrasslin'!'<p>

.

_He clears his throat and sips his water._

"Ok, first order of business-The WWE is apparently very high on Dolph Ziggler. When asked if he would consider pushing him to the main event, Vince McMahon said, "Ziggler? Don't we have enough Mexicans?" He then wobbled his arms back and forth, gulped very cartoon like and had sex with Kelly Kelly on his desk.

-What do Gorilla Monsoon, Tony Schiavone, Eric Embry, and Frenchy Martin all have in common? You guessed it. A fetish for paying hookers to chew the foreskin off of corpses while they watched.

…also, they all banged Lita…AND Kelly Kelly.

-TNA has some hot new plans to make a splash in order to get some mainstream publicity. Said Jeff Jarrett, "Well, let's just say that we've got Hogan and Bischoff already, we've got myself and BG James, but we're also in heated talks with Tatanka, Sid Vicious, and what's left of HBK's back." Soon, Jarrett's plan of recreating 1995 will come to life! PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT, VINCE!

-Stephanie McMahon recently made headlines for her non-wrestling interests. The Hartford Gazette wrote a small article about her visiting the county fair, and eating her weight in deep fried twinkies."

_Kane's eyes widen as he he delivers this bit of info…_

"Wow fans, this stuff is hot off the press! Apparently, a TNA wrestler, we'll call him S. Joe, has a kinky sex life in which he likes to tie up his partner, who we'll call B. Ray with barbed wire and hit her with Yakuza kicks aimed directly at her breasts. Don't worry guys, your secret is safe with me!

-Christopher Daniels and James Storm got into a heated scuffle backstage at the TNA tapings. Apparently, Storm is a staunch conservative who supports Mitt Romney while Christopher Daniels doesn't care for people who got their job by giving oral sex to Dick Cheyney.

-Hey fans, just so you know—I'll be gone for several weeks in order to film my movie, "Eye Scream Man pat 2, the Search for Curly's Gold". Now, I know that that wasn't that interesting, so here's something I've made up. While on location at the filming, I killed a grizzly bear with my bare hands and feasted on it's hot, bloody carcass-RAAAAAWRRRR!

Ahem…anyway, moving on, Johnny Ace is, once AGAIN, getting a lot of heat from the boys backstage. He's enforced several new rules that they don't care for, such as dress code and fines for being late. Also, they're not thrilled with his new rule of violently forcing them into sodomizing the Gobbeldy Gooker at every Raw taping for good luck.

-Lex Luger lost his bid for mayor of Macon, Georgia this past week. Some political analysts cite Luger's right-wing views as too much of a turn off for middle of the road voters. Others claim that Luger lost it during the town hall debate when he promised that if he lost, he'd kill the new mayor just like he killed Elizabeth, then proceeded to rack that guy into submission. That woman's name? You guessed it. Bubblyshell22."

_Kane takes off his glasses…_

"Ok, look, I'm not one to sling mud, but let's just say that if science had a breakthrough that showed it was really healthy for men to spend most of their waking hours with a bag of baby carrots shoved deep into their rectum, then David Otunga would be a picture of health!

-Want spoilers for TNA's upcoming PPV? Let's just say we may see the in-ring return of a "REAL AMERICAN" who "BLEEDS RED AND YELLOW" and also "BODY SLAMMED ANDRE THE GIANT". That's right, they're bringing in David Young. And spinebusters will be administered at an alarming rate!

Lastly—Hmm…Tito Santana? Gayer than a french horn! HA!

Ok thanks for tuning in. I have a house I have to burn down today, then I have to hurry home to have some barbequed baby arms—they taste just like chicken!"

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><p><em><strong>Lol, thanks for reading, please review!<strong>_


	10. Hosted by R Truth

Disclaimer: Ok, I'll do it one last time—I don't own shit!

_**Welcome, once again—well, actually—one last time, to the news! This will be the final episode of this series and I want to thank each and every one of you who supported this series since its inception (albeit, not that long ago). Our final host shall be a man who needs no introduction and is a recognized icon in the world of wrestling, ladies and gentlemen, I give you—R-Truth!**_

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><p><em>R is dressed in full wrestling gera (naturally) and is wearing a tie around his neck as he sips his 40 oz. and shuffles his papers.<em>

He smiles and stars, "Good evenin', peoples! My name's 'da TROOF! And if you wanna' know 'da TROOF, you came to 'da right place! Let's DO 'dis shit!

Ok, uh…Wif' the rash of recent firings in the WWE, most undercard ress—uh…wrestlers are said to be nervous about 'dey job stability. Those MOST worried are my nigga' Kofi, white boy Heaf' Slater, Santino, Brodus Clay, Lord Tensai, Alex Riley, and Michael McGillicutty. In an effort to boost morale, Eve Torres has plans to let them all bang her.

Sheeeeit, I'ma git' me a piece a'DAT!

Anyways, former legend Junkyard Dog was in the news this week, as he was named as the lead suspect in a murder trial by the defense team. This revel—rev…er, DAMN…REVELATION came to pass when it was discovered that prior to her death, she was powerslammed and headbutted by a guy with the word THUMP written on his ass. JYD's festering corpse could not be reached for comment.

Next up, shawty-the WWE has released 'dey latest CD of theme music. On' DIS one, you can hear a special "bonus track". You see, as a rib, the bonus track at the end of the CD is a recorded session of fuckin—um…ahem, er…I mean, LOVE MAKIN' between HHH and Stephanie. The pig-like squeals and cries of "HUNTER IS THE MAN" iz' bad enough, but then Stephanie starts talkin' and things just go downhill from there. Still, most music critics cite 'dat shit as the best song on the CD."

_Truth stops, smiles at the camera, semi-sterotypical gold tooth shining, and takes a sip of his 40. He continues,_ "AAAAAAAGH! DAT shit was refreshing like a MUH'fuck!

Ok, here we gots 'dat nigga' Kenta Kobashi recently defended his GHC title with a 42-minute victory in what many people are calling a 5-star classic. Apparently, Vince McMahon saw that, and plans are already being drawn up for "Kenta, the Asian who loves to hula hoop" to debut as a lower mid-card comedy gimmick to feud with Nattie Neidhart….Damn, hahaha…'dat shit's fucked UP, yo!

Anyway, backstage at an ROH show, Samoa Joe apparently got into a scuffle with a fan. The fan was hurling racial slurs at Joe throughout his match, and somehow managed to get backstage, where Joe got a hold of him and landed a few blows before things were broken up. The amazing part of this story? That fan was none other than Sir Elton John...SAMOA JOE'S NATURAL BORN FATHER!

-The music career of Hulk Hogan's thick-ass daughter appears to be done wif'. When meetin' with top record execs, the Hogan family was apparently furious. Said Hulk, "They wanted Brooke to dress like a tramp, and even hinted that she may get more airplay if she performed sexual favors for them, brother! This business is despicable, dude!" I would have quoted more, but his bref' TO 'DIS DAY reeks of Vince McMahon's semen.

-TNA is toying with the idea of showing titties on 'dey next PPV. They think the site of natural DD's may appeal to the male teen demographic. 'Dat honky Jeff Jarrett be sayin', "We've already got the angle planned out, we just need the OK from the performers." No word yet on if Dusty Rhodes is willing to do this angle or not.

-Staying with TNA, they've inked a deal to release action figures. Look for Series 1 to hit shelves by Christmas. Figures include Jeff Jarrett w/a guitar, Abyss w/a bag of tacks, Jeff Hardy w/a ladder, and of course, Austin Aries w/nothing interesting at all. To save money, they expect to just repaint the Austin Aries figure in future series, change the head, keep the added features and release almost everyone in the X-Division. I can't wait to get MY ass a Sonjay Dutt!

Fans, hey yo…On-On a tragic note, another wrestling star has been stricken with disease. Former WWE IC champ Chyna is battling with cancer as well. On Chyna's website, a note says, "I do not want my fans to feel sorry for me. Just keep me in yo' prayers, and with yo' support, I know I can beat 'dis!" From everyone here at the news, we hope Chyna has a speedy recovery from testicular cancer. 'Dat's right, nucka-I spent a paragraph building to a "Chyna has testicles" joke.

Movin' own-The WWE Raw brand ran a house show in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania over the weekend. During the main event, 'Dat half-breed muthafucka' David Otunga got upset with a fan and attacked him, spitting at him and landing with a right hand. The fat, ugly sloth of a man was immediately removed from the buildings. No word on if former WWE tag-team champ Marty Janetty is going to be pressing charges against Otunga or the WWE at this time.

-Hey, yo! Check 'DIS shit out-Lance Storm recently updated his website! 'Dat nigga' was talkin' 'bout commenting on all the recent releases by the company. Hahaha…He say, he say…uh…"'Dey must have forgot 'dey still payin' me! Seriously, my career highlight is doing the cabbage patch for Steve Austin."

Hahahaha! Cabbage patch for Steve Austin—I remember 'DAT shit. Anyway, thanks for tunin' in and this is 'da SHO' 'nuff TROOF, baby! Yaw 'da SHIT! Peace out, bitches!

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><p><em><strong>AN—I'd like to thank everyone that supported this series in the brief time that it has run. All of you have been very encouraging and I wish you all the best. This is AlKaholiK, signing off.**_


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